Mindfullness

Last night I finished reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  This was after Chris and I watched a documentary on "The End of Suburbia".  So after feeling enormous guilt over how much energy we use, I decided I would finish the last 15 pages of the book by candle light.  Besides my little glade candle not putting off much light and my back hurting from hunching over to be near the candle...I felt really peaceful as I read.  Not only did the scent of the candle relax me as I read, but it felt almost exhilarating to read in the darkness.  It's funny how reading in the darkness ironically brought so much to light for me.  How often do we just go through the motion of things...that we don't think about what we are doing, what affect our actions have, and are things we do necessary for our happiness? 

It's so accustomed to me to have maximum brightness in a room.  If it's even slightly overcast, I turn a light on.  When the sun starts to set, I turn a light on.  When I go into my closet to grab my pajama pants, I turn on a light (even though I know exactly where they are and I don't need the light to find them).  How often do we act without thinking, "Wait, is this really a necessary thing to do?"  Maybe when it gets dark outside that is a message to start winding down, to start getting ready for bed.  Here in Bellingham, Washington, it gets dark around 9:30-10pm...and it gets light around 5:30am.  If I slept within this time frame, I would get my needed hours of sleep, get a jump on the day, and waste less energy.  Chris and I could get up around 5:30 and have two hours of enjoying the morning together before he would have to leave for work rather than being exhausted together at 9:30pm and not carrying on much of a conversation.   It seems so simples and it seems to make so much sense, but even as I type it...I'm afraid to give up those hours at night.  It makes no logical sense, because I would not loose those hours.  They would just be used during earlier hours in the day.  And quite frankly, I am more of a morning person anyway.  I am happier and more alert.  At night I become pessimistic, agitated, frightened.  Maybe this is because it is not natural to be awake when it is so dark out.  Maybe body is telling me that it does not like being awake when it is so dark outside.  Maybe that is why we are always turning on so many lights at night.  We are in denial of night time.  I am really going to make an effort to change this about myself and I hope Chris will be interested in trying this out :)

Having this year to develop myself into the kind of person I know I can be, has been the greatest gift I could have ever received.  It hasn't been a walk in the park, but it has challenged me to think about what makes me happy and what makes me feel fulfilled.  While I've been give an amazing amount of time to do things, I've come to realize this lifestyle is not sustainable for me.  While I love to read, exercise, study, cook, organize, and plan, I love to be around other co-workers or peers.  I love to have people to bounce thoughts and ideas off of.  I love talking about environmental issues with people in my field.  Going back to school in September will feel right to me, but I will always remember this year of growth that I was given.  This ability to move in which ever direction I want.  No I did not learn an instrument, I didn't take a dance class, I didn't relearn Russian....but through my readings...I shaped myself into the person I've wanted to be.  Someone who takes care of their body, mind and spirit.  I don't think people necessarily first think about that when given time off...they think of all the spare time and how to fill it up.  But ultimately we are trying to fill it all up because we want to grow our minds, body, and spirit.  I didn't need dance class to do that for me...I've found inspiration in others' written words.  I am not complete, but I have tools with me know that I did not have a year ago.  I can snap myself up of a bad mood.  I barely ever feel sick anymore.  I don't get migraines.  I feel physically amazing.  I am not ruling out learning a new hobby, joining a group, etc.  All I am saying is that I did not waste a year of my life.  I grew tremendously and I am happy with where I am.