As the new year approaches....

It was once advised to me, that I should take my issues to my blog, rather than facebook.  Daily, I battle the urges of whether I should post a comment or not on facebook.  I am surrounded by loved ones that can not stand to witness a conflict.  They have every right to feel this way, most of them had their share of it to deal with growing up. 

So what is the right thing to do?  Do we stay silent on controversial topics?  Should we just talk about what's on television, or maybe how work is going?  Or is it a bigger problem with the fact we have become so quiet about our feelings?

To me, it feels like I am giving up.  It is my beliefs that this country has been extremely distracted by superficial topics.  Yes, it is easier to talk about things that hold no meaning, but is that conversation even productive then?  I feel so strongly about this, because I used to be like this.  I've steered away from learning about controversial topics (vegetarianism, environmentalism, conservationism, liberalism, capitalism, etc), because I feared I would push away the people that I love.  Because as much as I believe these issues are important, I believe we are nothing without one another.

But after a year of being separated from the people I love, I've had time to reflect on my life and what it is that I want out of it.  I've dove into issues I would not have dared to in the past.

At my core....my beliefs are as follows:

1.) I believe that we are all equal and that we all have worth.
2.) I believe in the human race, and I want future generations to be given the wonderful opportunity of being on this Earth.
3.) I believe in something bigger than myself.
4.) I believe there is more to us than how much money we posses.
5.) I believe our environment is precious and we should cherish it.
6.)  I believe John Donne, that no man is an island.

These core beliefs have led me to make decisions about other issues in my life.

I guess my whole reason for writing this, was to try to figure out what the right thing is to do....

I still don't know.

Happy Memories Aren't Always Happy Moments

Lately a memory of Chris and I has been floating around in my head.  It was on our way back from San Francisco after visiting my sister.  First, Chris and I endured a two hour flight that turned into a three hour flight because of traffic on the runways with Chris and I both seperated and each sitting next to families with babies.  Followed by a three hour bus ride home to Bellingham, and a walk of about two miles to our house with luggage in hand.  As we began walking home we both became irritated.  I had to pee, so we stopped at a gas station along the way and Chris was leading us in the direction of home.  I got mad at him for acting like he knew the best way home, so at a fork in the road I told him he could take his way and I would take my better route home.  We both stormed off annoyed and both wanted to beat the other person home.  As the two roads met up again I could see our house in sight.  As I looked back at the road Chris had taken, I saw that he was behind me.  I looked at him and knew that he had spotted me.  I gave him a smug look.  As I was walking up the driveway, after grabbing the mail, I met him at the middle where he had taken a shortcut to get up the drive way.  I continued to look smuggly at him, but instead of a fight continueing, he gave me a big smile, laughed, and said, "I know you want to smile!"  Just like that, we were able to move past our bad moods and get over it.  We walked the rest of the way up the drive together.

I look back on memories like this a lot.  It is one of the nicest things about Chris and my relationship.  No matter how hard we are fighting, we both are able to let go of stubborness to "win" pretty quickly.  There is never any held in anger.  We get it out, then we let it go.  It's nice to be able to let things go. 

Breaking an Unhealthy Food Pattern

In the past month, I've begun to move my diet towards a more healthy vegan diet after reading the books, The Food Revolution and Skinny Bitch.  This has been years in the making.  As a graduate with a bachelor's degree in Environmental Science, I've known the consequences of the Western Diet on the landscape.  And I've always been sensitive to the idea of an animal dying just so I could enjoy a chicken nugget or scrammbled egg.  But I'd never really been taught how unhealthy eatting meats and dairy products were for my body.  These two books were wake up calls for me.  I know that it was entirely possible to live a life without consuming animal products, so why was it so necessary for me to keep consuming it.  Was eatting a burger so necessary to my life that I was ok with some cow being killed over it?  Was I ok with that cow being killed so I could eat a burger that actually was dangerous to my health? 

There was a section of Food Revolution that talked about how intelligent mother cows were.  That when their calves are sold to veal farms, the mother cow will actually try to escape and locate her calf.  And there have been recorded incidents of farmers finding the mother cow and calf back together, even if the mother cow had to venture miles away from the farm she was on.  None of this sat well with me. 

Or that gallons and gallons of water and tons and tons of feedstock goes toward raising 1 cow...wheras, if we were to eat a vegan diet...those resources could go towards supplying the many more people with way more vegetables, grains, fruits and water.  Countries are destroying their lands so that they can sell their meat to the United States.  This did not sit well with me either.  Not to mentions all the unnatural things we pump into our "meat"...the hormones, the antibiotics, the steriods...just so that the animals are able to stay alive long enough for us to kill it.  I was eating meat that had been an animal that was deeply suffering from the conditions I had allowed it to be put in.

I thought about this deeply and tried not to allow by stuborness to make any decisions for me.  I asked myself, "why is it so important to me to eat meat?" and "why am I hesitating to do this?".  I realized it was because I had associated so much happiness with eatting a burger, chicken nuggets, ice cream, omlettes, cheese etc.  Chris and my friday nights had been centered around going to a restaurant and gourging ourselves with some form of animal product.  That food wasn't just food to help me survive, it was what I thought I needed to be happy.  This revelation tore at me.  It all seemed like such a horrible addiction.  Here I was as a person, going out, delighting in my hamburger and fries and cheesecake to follow, and then feeling heavy, nasty and lazy.  It made me want to sit on the couch and do nothing.  Then the next day, I would go for a run to burn off the unhealthy food I had just eatten.  I allowed an animal to be killed and in the ended, didn't even want it in my body.  Heartbreaking.

So I changed my diet, and it has been the greatest acheivement in my life.

Chris and I barelly ever go out to eat anymore as a result of how unhealthy all the food is.  Chris was getting heartburn and I was feeling sick to my stomach after we would eat something from a restaurant.  It wasn't worth it anymore.  How many times do you have to do something unheathly, make excuses, and do it again?  As humans, it common to make a mistake, learn from it, and not do it again....but this was a mistake we were constantly making over and over again.

This new diet has been a gift.

I think that I have become obsessed with baking/cooking.  I grew up with a template in my head of how food was prepared.  I followed recipes to a T.  I never thought about what each ingredient adds or if you could substitute ingredients.  But when you chose to go vegan...if you want to eat similiar meals you were eating before, you have to substitute them.

I'm learning so much about food.  My cookbook is filling up with so many amazing recipes.  Last weekend, Chris and I discovered that we could make pancakes without milk and eggs....and they were actually 100x better!  Chris even pulled a leftover one out of the fridge, took a bite and said, "OMG this is amazing!".  Now think about it.  Have you ever eatten a refridgerated pancake the next morning without warming it up?  It's dry and nasty with no flavor.  This pancake was amazing!  And when we were making the pancakes, I said to Chris, "Hey!  We should make our own strawberry syrup!"  Before I changed my diet, I would have never thought to just make something from scratch, but here I was making my own syrup and it was easy and tasted INCREDIBLE!

Before, I had gotten myself caught up in the flow of things.  How could you possibly bake something without and egg or milk?  How could I eat this without cheese?  Guess what, I can!  I enjoy food more now than I ever did.  Every meal is a science experiment.  I think to myself, what would be good in this meal?  What can I add next time to make it better?

And I've lost weight and have more energy.  BONUS.  Although, to be fair, I've changed multiple things in my diet.  I sub white flour, sugar, rice for brown when I can.  I only drink coffee now when Chris and I go to a coffee shop to read (I've discovered English tea with almond milk and moroccan mint tea make me feel lighter and my mood has perked up more) and if I can make something from scratch instead of buying it processed...I'll take the time to make it from scratch (hummus, beans, bread, etc).  I also got rid of my  phenylalanine /aspartame gum and switched to mint life savors...which I actually think are yummier anyway!  And lastly, I check labels for high-fructose corn syrup and make sure to a avoid them....probably the leading cause of obesity in the US :)

I know I still am doing things that may not be the best for my health, but as I learn, I learn to remove things that aren't any good.  Because I don't want to be someone that makes food my friend.  Giving up a food should not be the end of the world when we live in a world that has a ridiculous amount of other foods to chose from.  Awww can't have your gum anymore Gwen?!?!  COME ON! haha.  If you start talking about giving up your limbs or friends and family...that's one things, but being subborn about giving up a food should make you stop and think about what you're doing.

Mindfullness

Last night I finished reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  This was after Chris and I watched a documentary on "The End of Suburbia".  So after feeling enormous guilt over how much energy we use, I decided I would finish the last 15 pages of the book by candle light.  Besides my little glade candle not putting off much light and my back hurting from hunching over to be near the candle...I felt really peaceful as I read.  Not only did the scent of the candle relax me as I read, but it felt almost exhilarating to read in the darkness.  It's funny how reading in the darkness ironically brought so much to light for me.  How often do we just go through the motion of things...that we don't think about what we are doing, what affect our actions have, and are things we do necessary for our happiness? 

It's so accustomed to me to have maximum brightness in a room.  If it's even slightly overcast, I turn a light on.  When the sun starts to set, I turn a light on.  When I go into my closet to grab my pajama pants, I turn on a light (even though I know exactly where they are and I don't need the light to find them).  How often do we act without thinking, "Wait, is this really a necessary thing to do?"  Maybe when it gets dark outside that is a message to start winding down, to start getting ready for bed.  Here in Bellingham, Washington, it gets dark around 9:30-10pm...and it gets light around 5:30am.  If I slept within this time frame, I would get my needed hours of sleep, get a jump on the day, and waste less energy.  Chris and I could get up around 5:30 and have two hours of enjoying the morning together before he would have to leave for work rather than being exhausted together at 9:30pm and not carrying on much of a conversation.   It seems so simples and it seems to make so much sense, but even as I type it...I'm afraid to give up those hours at night.  It makes no logical sense, because I would not loose those hours.  They would just be used during earlier hours in the day.  And quite frankly, I am more of a morning person anyway.  I am happier and more alert.  At night I become pessimistic, agitated, frightened.  Maybe this is because it is not natural to be awake when it is so dark out.  Maybe body is telling me that it does not like being awake when it is so dark outside.  Maybe that is why we are always turning on so many lights at night.  We are in denial of night time.  I am really going to make an effort to change this about myself and I hope Chris will be interested in trying this out :)

Having this year to develop myself into the kind of person I know I can be, has been the greatest gift I could have ever received.  It hasn't been a walk in the park, but it has challenged me to think about what makes me happy and what makes me feel fulfilled.  While I've been give an amazing amount of time to do things, I've come to realize this lifestyle is not sustainable for me.  While I love to read, exercise, study, cook, organize, and plan, I love to be around other co-workers or peers.  I love to have people to bounce thoughts and ideas off of.  I love talking about environmental issues with people in my field.  Going back to school in September will feel right to me, but I will always remember this year of growth that I was given.  This ability to move in which ever direction I want.  No I did not learn an instrument, I didn't take a dance class, I didn't relearn Russian....but through my readings...I shaped myself into the person I've wanted to be.  Someone who takes care of their body, mind and spirit.  I don't think people necessarily first think about that when given time off...they think of all the spare time and how to fill it up.  But ultimately we are trying to fill it all up because we want to grow our minds, body, and spirit.  I didn't need dance class to do that for me...I've found inspiration in others' written words.  I am not complete, but I have tools with me know that I did not have a year ago.  I can snap myself up of a bad mood.  I barely ever feel sick anymore.  I don't get migraines.  I feel physically amazing.  I am not ruling out learning a new hobby, joining a group, etc.  All I am saying is that I did not waste a year of my life.  I grew tremendously and I am happy with where I am.

Growing Up

I've been coming to terms with a new attitude in my daily life.  Being unemployed and home alone often, it is easy to become sad.  So often, I think myself and others would choice to just say, "I'm having a crappy day, tomorrow is a new day".  I'd wait for the next day to come and it would be my restart button.  I would have another opportunity towards a happy and successfull day.  However, as I've become older, the years seem to shrink.  A popular saying is that, "the day are long, but the years are short".  It's become unsustainable for me to live a life waiting for the next day, because there just isn't enough time in this life of mine to be waiting around.

So when I feel like hell....when I feel like nothing could possibly break me of my bad mood,  I do the one thing that is weighing on my mind the heaviest.  It is the one thing that I am at the same time telling myself, "you're in a bad mood today, you can do this tomorrow".  I've come to realize that if I just push myself to do something I ultimately know is a positive thing in the end, I end up breaking myself of my bad mood.  The more I push through, the happier I have become as a person.  This may all sound simple, but it has taken me years and years to actually begin to act it all out.  As I become older and wiser, I'm learning to do the things that before I was only able to think were right to do.  The more I push myself, the more I'm rewarded with happiness, and the happier I am, the more I push.  I know that I can be the person I want to be, I just been to push myself.

I think this may be why Chris is generally so happy.  He has this ability to just do.  He never puts many things off.  I think this ultimately makes everyone happier when they dont have all that baggage to carry around.  I want to feel lighter in life and the only way to do that is push myself through all my tasks.  I am stronger than my tasks.  Nothing is more fearfull than failing to do.

The Human Disconnection

Since moving to Bellingham and being jobless, I've becoming more connected to life.  Up until this very moment, I didn't realize how disconnected I was to the world around me.  We go through life following a checklist of things to do that will bring us what we call, success.  We don't question this very often, because it is instilled in us from birth.  Loving parents, family, and the community we are born into, teach us that the goal is to obtain a life of ease and security.  We are taught that we have reached this goal when we no longer have to struggle.  The typical American dream of a spouse and house with lots of materials to throw inside.

We set off on our mission to acquire our surroundings.  To grown is to have owned.  We go in search of the easiest way to acquire what we need.  Whether its hitting up Walmart to get an item cheaper or marrying someone just because it's that time in our life to do so.  We are constantly looking for a way to make things easier on ourselves.

But what I've been learning the past 6 months is that this is not the layout I want for my life.

To Compete or Not to Complete.....

Yesterday something happened.  I saw something I did not like.  It was someone acting competitively.

Through a series of deep converstations with many people I care deeply about, I have talked about my lack of competitiveness.  So yesterday, I decided to look up the definition of compete.

Compete:   to strive to outdo another for acknowledgment, a prize, supremacy, profit, etc.

I cringed when I saw exactly what the word meant.

I don't know why. I must get excited.  I get these urges to share my revelations with people via facebook.  But I always worry there will be one or two people that just didn't get my purpose.  Rather than taking the time to think about what I'm saying, they jump the gun and try to argue whatever comment I make.

However, I was only met with good response and a good friend made this comment:

Competition is strange, it plays a major roll in our society, permeating economic theory, educational practice, entertainment, and so many other areas. I suppose pragmatically it is an efficient way to bring about productivity, but it does involve a cost in that someone has to loose.  I think that in practice the major antidote to competition is true humility.

I love when people write things back like this.  It is not only well thought out, but it makes me look at the idea of competiteness even more.

So I decided to dig deeper.  I searched with the question, "is competition good or bad" and found this wiki answer:

It depends.  Two political philosophers, Adam Smith and Karl Marx, had differing opinions on this matter.  Adam Smith was the founder of capitalism and believed in what he called "the Invisible Hand". This meant that competition would eventually result in innovation as one group tried to beat the other and would ultimately further society's interests.  Karl Marx is the father of communism and believed that competition, and eventually capitalism, would lead to the exploitation of the working class. Not to mention it causes stress and "arms races" where people would be too obsessed with victory or beating the other person at something. Look up the "tragedy of the commons" from economics.

 

It shocked me.  I didn't realized that if you did not agree with competitiveness that you were lumped into the category of communist.

 

So I did a little more digging on amazon for any books that may discuss competitiveness and found this one:

 

http://www.amazon.com/No-Contest-Case-Against-Competition/dp/0395631254/ref=pd_rhf_p_img_4

 

No Contest:  A Case Against Competition by Alfie Kohn.  After having no luck finding it at any libraries near me, I ordered on amazon.  I can not wait till it gets here so I can read more about this topic!

 

On a broader context, I just saddens me that we accept things because they are what we have done historically.  Isn't anyone interested in finding the more efficient and thoughtful approach to a problem?  When did we decided to just accept that competition is the way to live?

 

After reading the definition of compete...does it really sit well with the reader?  Remember my friend said, the antidote to competitiveness is humility?  Well, how is competition good if it can't even stand alone?  In order to make competition acceptable, we have to be humble also?  Think about it.  You have to be humble (good trait) in order to offset competitiveness (the bad trait).

 

What kind of mixed messages are we sending oir children if one minute we are telling them to share and the next telling them to be better than their schoolmates?  Where is the "i" in team....right? 

 

Our countries model is to grow, expand, compete...but this is at the expense shrinking and destroying other countries.  Aren't we taught that we are all one and that we should help those in need because we are all connected whether we see that connection or not?

 

Is a child really winning if he/she got a "D" in class when everyone else got an "F"?  That child may be competing well, but he/she is not learning.